My Rules for “Supe” Safety
Detective Sgt. Stan Markowski
Occult Crimes Investigation Unit
Scranton Police Department
I deal with supernatural creatures (“supes”) every day. Some of them are okay, others are dangerous badasses. Listed below is a summary of the lessons I’ve learned – sometimes the hard way.
Never invite a werewolf for a moonlight stroll. He might come back alone – burping.
Never tell a witch she’s got a fat ass. This is good advice about women generally, but you especially don’t want to say that to somebody who can turn you into a toad.
Never French-kiss a ghoul. Ghouls eat human flesh – you can just imagine what their breath smells like. Besides, you might not get your tongue back.
Never invite a vampire out for a “quick bite.” You’re thinking Mickey Dee’s – but the vamp is thinking you.
Never try to pet a Hellhound. “Here, puppy, nice puppy” just doesn’t cut it with creatures from Gehenna.
Never invite an ogre into a pickup basketball game. Their idea of a “foul” is closer to most people’s idea of “assault with intent to kill.”
If called by a were-panther…. Don’t anther.*
Never play “Trivial Pursuit” with a zombie. Their answer to every question is “Uhhhh brains!”
*Apologies to Ogden Nash on that one.
***Read Hard Spell by Justin Gustainis for more of Detective Sgt. Stan Markowski***