Note from the blogger: Ms. Pang was kind enough to agree to do a guest post for me to go along with the review of her book, 'A Brush of Darkness'. (Which Rocks). I hope you will all check it and out. I am honored to have Phineus here today! Take it away!
A Day in the Life of Phineas the Pervy Unicorn
(As an aside note from the author, I was asked to do a sort of Day in the Life post of Abby…but to
be honest, A Brush of Darkness sort of *is* a day in the life for her, so that seemed a bit redundant.
Phineas, however, is another animal all together. Please note, he is exceptionally crude and vulgar most
of the time. I suspect beneath all that he’s got a heart of gold, however. )
8 AM - Abby’s burned the coffee again, but then, she always does. And the bacon. Not that it matters
anyway. I’m only really interested in licking the grease from the pan. But not yet. Time for a little
9 AM – Continue to wallow. Good thing Abby doesn’t like lace. Shit is wicked scratchy. These cotton
things are pretty sweet, though. Abby shot me a dirty look on her way to the shower, but that’s okay.
Her backside more than makes up for the attitude. Maybe she’ll drop her towel when she gets dressed.
10 AM – I need to take a crap, but I think Abby’s catching onto the fact that I’m using that corner under
her bed. I’ll just tell her they’re magic raisins. She might believe me. Maybe if I eat one to prove it.
Wouldn’t be the first time.
11 AM – Abby has to leave for work. Or to look for her kidnapped friends. Whatever. More bed for me
later. Her pillow smells kind of like bacon. I dig that. First some hair of the dog, though. At least she’s
not playing that shitty Tom Jones crapola anymore.
12 PM - Leftover bacon in my bowl is cold, but crunchy. No whisky anywhere. This makes me a sad
1 PM – Wombat Porn on the Discovery Channel! I love this show. Love it! Those sweet furry haunches
*totally* make up for the fugly faces. Who’s your daddy?
2 PM - Meerkat Manor is on. Snoozeville. Nowhere near the quality of ass as the wombats.
3 PM - I wish to hell Blizzard would finish patching. Rolling restarts my ass. My Death Knight needs an
epic mount. Pronto.
4 PM – Stupid incubus just showed up with Abby. Dude better not be horning in on my underwear
action or I’m seriously going to have the bite the shit out of his ass. Might bite it anyway. It looks pretty
bitable. I like to bite asses.
4:30 – Now he’s moaning on and on about his tragic life and how hard it is to be a daemon and blah blah
blahborednow. You know what’s tragic? Being ten inches tall. Of course, I *can* lick my own balls. Not
that I would know, or anything.
5 PM - Dammit. They’re making out all over the table. Seriously? Get a room. Ugh. Now he’s hopping
around and groping himself, braying like a pony. Not really. I wish he would, though. Then I could take
pictures for blackmail. I’m going to go crap under her bed for sure now.
6 PM – Have been kicked out of the bedroom by said incubus. I’m sure the conversation will devolve
into things involving man-rods and quivering love pudding. Gag me. I’m outta here.
7 PM – Of course, I’m also really small, so it takes me a while to get anywhere.
8 PM – Finally made it to The Hallows. It’s a little early still, but werewolf boy has set me up at my usual
table. Katy brought me a bowl of Captain Morgan and Cheetos. Dinner of Champions. She’s pretty hot.
I’d bite her ass, but she’s a virgin. Virgins make me itch.
9 PM – Music finally playing. I think it has a beat, but I’m on my third bowl of rum so I honestly can’t tell.
I waggle my beard at a nixie as she moves onto the dance floor and ask her if she’d like a little captain in
9:15 PM – I appear to be swimming in a toilet bowl. In the ladies room. Far too early for this.
10 PM – I finally fish myself out of the toilet. Guess she didn’t appreciate that much.
11 PM – Shivering mess. A pixie takes pity on me and holds me beneath the hand dryer. Frizzy mane
now, but at least I’m dry. I bite her on the ass in thanks.
11:05 PM – Aaaannnnddd I’m back in the motherfucking toilet! Good times.
11: 20 PM – Abby to the rescue! Have I mentioned that I love her? I do. Tom Jones music and all.
11:30 PM – I’m in a backpack. It kind of smells, but I think that might be me. I’m pretty sure it’s me. I
think there’s vomit in my beard. Abby seems a bit peeved. She’s always peeved about something.
Midnight – Home. And in the shower. Abby won’t let me in the bed until I no longer smell like something
that crawled out of a sewer and died. Guess I can’t blame her. Incubus is nowhere to be seen. Small
1 AM - Dry. Clean. Curled up next to Abby. Debate biting her ass, but think better of it. She falls asleep.
No nightmares yet. I lick her ear, because I can. She will never know.
1: 05 AM - She knows. I have been shoved into the underwear drawer. Score!
If you enjoy Phin check him out in the book or you can follow him on twitter: HERE.
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